Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Suck It, Day 21 - Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

When I found out there was actually a movie called Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, I needed no further information. My heart had been won. And Jesus fighting vampires with the help of a luchador? That can't POSSIBLY be anything less than stupendously awesome, right?

Sadly, it can. Here's another example of what, at its core, was probably a good idea at one time. But it's executed so poorly that you can barely tolerate it. It starts off well. Jesus is chillaxing at the beach when suddenly he's beset upon by a bunch of daywalking vamps. He busts out his mad ninja skills and forces them to retreat before heading into town and shaving off his trademark hippie hair. It's game on, yo.

There is a fairly effective musical number. Kind of lame-larious, but better than you might expect given the production value of what has already passed. Jesus sings, dances, heals, and generally rocks. But there is business to attend to - the business of staking vamps. These vamps have been targeting lesbians ("they're deviants; no one will miss them"), which doesn't sit well with Jesus, who is like way liberal. I don't mean that in a condescending way at all, by the way - however, I do think that this movie tries way, way too hard on the "can't we all just get along" front.

And that's about all the plot there is. Jesus is helped along the way by a woman named Mary Magnum (get it?), who is far too forward with our Lord and Savior for my comfort (despite the fact that, as we learn at the end, she prefers the ladies). And, as I mentioned above, he also joins forces with a Mexican wrestler named El Santo. Oh, and he fights some atheists, which is kind of hysterical in a meta way, but ultimately kind of meh.

This kind of tries to be "so bad it's good," but it's ... really kind of horrible. It's not even the subject matter. The acting is atrocious, as if (and I suspect this may be the case) the director cast all his friends instead of people who had even a scrap of acting ability. It's shot very much like a YouTube fail video, and everyone in it seems to be varying shades of Goth. Ah well, I guess they can't all be winners.

A sample for you, the musical number, which is indeed better than anything else in the film. Watch, and make of that fact what you will.

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